Beast Kong
Captured and chained to a work station deep below a German milk-shed, genetic scientist Shizkabaken Chezabrellafaffe was forced to spearhead a secret campaign to engineer a new race of proto-humans to take over the world. For many months he worked, trying to combine an array of specimens in the search of the ultimate life-form. Initially his experiments with carrots and sheep failed to produce results, and his enraged goose-stepping captors threatened to beat him senseless with his own specimens. Eventually the good doctor went mad and escaped with the help of a genetically modified farm girl, whose DNA had been combined with that of a cheese. The new clone girl was able to heat herself up to an above ambient room temperature and melt her way under the door, and thus (after waiting an hour to harden up again), was she able to unlock it from the outside. Doctor Chezabrellafaffe escaped, but continued his diabolical work near the Swiss border, where, desirous of more even charring on his toast, designed and developed what is now known as the Cern particle accelerator. After his secret dream of perfect toast was realized using a crude early prototype of the accelerator, he began feeding various animals and plants into the machine in the hopes that a genetically and intellectually superior being would emerge. Unfortunately without the aid of peer reviewed theorems or expert critiques, he would continue to produce sub-par results for many years. He did, however, spawn a few creations known in the world of today, notably George W. Bush, Kim Kardashian and prostate cancer. Finally, the birth of his son occurred, and his murderous intentions evaporated. On one fateful day he was showing his cheese-woman wife how to use the particle accelerator toaster-oven, when it suddenly overheated and sucked the infant from his arms. In went the slice of bread, and when the smoke cleared, the boy was sitting amid the blackened ruin of a Calcutta slum. There were dead goats everywhere, and he was covered in chicken vindaloo, but his parents and the lovely pastureland of Geneva were gone.
The young boy grew up with a gang of street urchins, surviving by picking the pockets of gullible tourists. He learnt the ways of the slum and even competed on the Indian version of a less than entertaining British gameshow for the affection of a young Indian girl, before his thieving eventually got him caught by Indian police. It was there in a cell that the young boy discovered his hidden power of instant teleportation, and after an hour of extreme toast visualization, he opened his eyes onto the vast and trackless jungle of The Congo. On the top of a very upset silverback. For the next ten years he lived with a group of gorillas, learning their secret language of grunts and eating leaves. He swung one-armed through the canopy, helped another young orphan fight an evil tiger, and pulled the arms off dozens of ivory poachers. In his late teens the young man challenged the head silverback for domination of the troupe, and lived then as the Congo’s most feared primate. A visiting film maker stumbled across the young man one day when out shooting a movie, and could not believe his luck. After a series of humorous failures to capture the strange man-ape, the film maker finally found success by using the lead actress. The cameramen subdued the wild youth with chloroform and brought him back, bound and drugged, to New York, where they set up a stage and began showing him off to the stunned 1950′s crowd. Eventually however, the youth, now dubiously dubbed ‘Beast Kong’, escaped and ran amok through the city. He climbed the Empire State building, swatted a few fighter planes, and ended up slipping and falling off due to a fatal unfamiliarity with slippery steel. Many now believe he was mortally wounded by the fighters’ bullets, but this is not true.
Before Beast Kong hit the pavement he summoned up his inner toast for the second time in his life and reappeared clinging to a boulder at Flock Hill. If you are lucky, you too may be able to spy this majestic creature flailing and roaring on the side of a rockface somewhere in the island kingdom of New Zealand.
Tick-list:
Boulders
The Vice V13
Little Book of Calm V12
Achilles Last Stand V12
Shosaloza V12
In Between Dreams V12
Witness the Sickness V11
Black Velvet V11
Gliding Through the Waves Like Dolphins V11
Hume Roof V11
Captain Sassypants Direct V11
Interstellar Overdrive V11
Caroline V10 (flash)
Ron Ron et Caramel V10
Acapulco V10
Monster Society of Evil V10
Captain Crush V10
Crash and Burn V10
Bierstadt V10
Marble V10
Purity Control V10
Paper Tiger V10
Routes:
By the Power of Greyskull (FA) 31
Built to Last 29
Burn 28
Papageno 27
Creative Confusion 26
Double Leaning Jowler 27
Mea Culpa 27
Hold onto your face 25
Make My day 25
There is no Spoon 27
Distortion 27
Even Dwarves Started Small 28
Immortality 28
Comps:
National Bouldering Series
2008 bouldering World Cup, Vale, CO: owned
2005 X-games, Seoul, Korea: owned
2004 X-games, KL, Malaysia: owned
2010 Oceania bouldering champs: 2nd
